becoming human

so my roommate wasn’t saying all those things just to be nice!

alchemii — Thu, 28 May 2009 04:59:09 +0000

yeah so you were the last person i expected to see today. when i saw you coming up the stairs i thought my heart was going to fly out of my chest because i was so surprised. i turned away hoping you hadn’t noticed me. even though i had a hat on, my pink hair was still obvious. yeah like turning around was really going to hide that lol. i just turned to my boyfriend and told him i saw you so he hugged me. i saw you turn when you walked down the path so i’m pretty sure you saw me to. oh well…i knew eventually our paths would cross. at least we got it over with.

you know, it didn’t even upset me or make me sad to see you or that you were with someone. i was just surprised. you just came out of nowhere. i just didn’t want to do the whole awkward, fake nice,how have you been, this is who i’m dating now bullshit. ..especially since i was there to spend time with my boyfriend’s friends. it wouldn’t have killed me to talk to you, i just didn’t feel it was nessicary.

who knows? maybe next time i’ll say hi.

this sums it up better than i ever could

alchemii — Wed, 20 May 2009 07:25:46 +0000

“I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.”

- roy croft

i love you so much!

“you’ve come a long way, baby”

alchemii — Mon, 18 May 2009 10:54:31 +0000

“i think of my own possibility. i think of the way it is wasted. the way it will always be wasted because i’m sitting here waiting for someone to love me as is.”

elizabeth wurtzel, prozac nation.

so i was sitting here unpacking and cataloging the last few boxes of my books and came across the book prozac nation. i flipped through it, vaguely remembering reading it and came across a lot of highlighted sections. reading back on the highlighted sections, i can’t help but think that yeah i really was that depressed and messed up in the head. at that time, it was very satisfying to have all what i was feeling put in to words. i wish i could pinpoint when i read it. sometime betwen 2002-2004. so much has changed since then. i’m not even sure if i could read that book all the way through again. i’m not sure i could relate to it like i once did. thank goodness!

sometimes i think it’s the wellbutrin that helped me, but sometimes i think i just outgrew some of it. maybe not so much outgrew, as got older and wiser and just understood myself better.

anyway, the reason i decided to post this quote is because there is so much truth in it. i finally found someone who loves me as is and appreciates all my quirks and it makes the biggest difference it the world. having that kind of love makes you feel like you can do anything! i’ve never felt this way before…ever and it’s beyond amazing!

i read these and thought of you

alchemii — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:23:37 +0000

“Tell me what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life.”
- Mary Oliver, American poet

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to.
-Kahlil Gibran”

thank you for sharing your notebook with me. it was awesome to read all the wisdom you have collected and the goals you are working on. you are truly and amazing and inspiring individual and i love you!

watashi mo ai shite imasu

alchemii — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 04:59:06 +0000

how original of you to write ” i love you” in katakana in your shower for me to find (too bad i only know hiragana).

i wish it was tuesday already

alchemii — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 08:43:46 +0000

you have no idea how much i miss you right now!

counting the hours

alchemii — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 04:59:01 +0000

i woke up this morning in your bed all alone and remembered you’d be gone for a week…and then i remembered you showing up at work at the dive at three am to wait for me to close the bar down so you could steal me away to your house and spend your last forty five minutes in town with me before you hopped on a plane to seattle. then i remembered the way you looked at me right before you left and i wish i would have told you i loved you…and then i started counting the hours till i would get that chance again.

quote of the day for march 23, 2009

alchemii — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 04:59:24 +0000

the boys were talking about girls they’ve hooked up with recently that they had met at the dive and one of them said:

“man, once you get past the first kiss, the next thing you know she’s sucking your dick!”

“my heart is yours…”

alchemii — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 04:55:59 +0000

i love the late night conversations we have when you can’t sleep. i love thinking about the past and laughing about how things were when we were teenagers. i especially love talking about how we got to this point since november. with each conversation we discover a little more and more about the circumstances that finally led to ‘us’. you were convinced that i would bail in two weeks and you would just be the “band aid’ i needed to heal and that you would do your best to make me smile during that time. you were right …in a way. you were my band aid and you did make me smile again, but you ended up becoming so much more. if it would have been anyone else i would have bailed, but after that first week i just knew it was fate we had crossed paths again after so long. and now 13 years after we first met, i’m in love with you.

it wasn’t easy but i’m glad i stuck it out and gave you a chance. but after the talk we had and even briefly discussing my past relationship with you, i’m right in not having told you yet. when i do tell you, i want you to believe me and to have no doubts in your mind. i don’t want you to think that you are his replacement, that i took the love i had for him and recycled it and gave it to you. i want you to know when i say it, that it’s real and that my heart belongs to you now. that’s part of the reason i’ve held back and also, because i wanted to be sure myself . i am.

“My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer”

why does my roommate keep running in to you?

alchemii — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:59:38 +0000

so my roommate ran in to you…again. i patiently listened to her recap of the situation, how she had never seen you at that particular bar before and you said it was your neighborhood bar and how she’s like “but it’s not even in his neighborhood”( i had to snort at this point, we both know which bar is “your bar”) and how you were there with the same girl and how “she is soooo not cute” blah, blah, blah. i sat there for a few minutes and finally told her that whenever she runs in to you she doesn’t have to tell me about it. just because i wish you the best and want you to be happy doesn’t mean i want to hear about it. actually, this reminds me of a dedication one of my favorite comic book artists did to the girl that broke his heart:

‘I hope your life is filled with wonderful accomplishments, love and all the magic you desire…
but I hope your death is slow and horrible.’

*laughs* i totally don’t mean that, but you get the gist of what i’m trying to say.

she said that i’m so happy with my current boyfriend that sometimes she forgets that we were together for so long and it might hurt to hear about you…so do i. i think she is totally missing the point that the reason i was able to heal and become so happy is because i totally erased you out of my life (the new boyfriend helped too). after the last time we saw each other, with the exception of needing to get mail from you, i haven’t called or text you, or looked at your pictures, or been past your house, or looked at your myspace/facebook page (not even once). i haven’t tried to glean one iota of info about you and everything that you’ve ever given me that i want to keep was put away in my memory box. i started focusing on my life and all the things i needed to take care of instead of thinking about you. her telling me about you totally goes against what i’ve accomplished these past five months.

when she tells me about running into you, it reminds me that you still exist out there somewhere , living a life that i am no longer a part of, it makes me think about you, curious about what you’ve been up too, how work is going, if you are happy, how your mom and aaron and kent are doing, if gir and bella are ok (i miss them so much!), what you think about the fifth season of lost and other random dumb things. and then i realize that just like before when i was wasting my love on someone who didn’t love me back, i’m wasting my time thinking about someone who doesn’t think about me. i know you haven’t thought about me or wondered if i’m ok, or missed maleficent and parker, or looked at my pictures, or checked out my myspace/facebook pages or even shed a single tear on me. you were over me before i even walked out the door(i wish it could have been that easy for me). i even know you don’t read this blog…which is why i can write so freely here. you’ll never bother reading what i have to say, you’ll never know. but for some reason whenever i blog about you i still address it like you are the one reading it. i guess it’s just my way of saying all the things i can’t say to you in person.

hopefully, this will be the last time i have to hear about you…until i decide that i want to know how you are doing and in that case, i’ll just ask you myself.